Hi guys. I just wanted to say that I never use LJ except to contribute to and watch a few communities. I don't post here but once every few months now because... this journal is a toxic memory of mine. I do go back and read on occasion to remind myself of who I used to be and how well I understood complete dispair. That part of my life is long since over, and I refuse to go back to being that me.

Funnily enough, I wrote the tagline for my blog years ago, when I was fourteen or fifteen as a reflection of my use of Tarot. Little did I know that I'd be able to turn around my circumstances and grasp a future that's unattainable by anyone but me. So... A bright future is in store, and I urge you to grab my hand and walk with me toward it. What we do with our lives is half what's done to us and half what we can do... A bright future is in store for everyone, no matter where you came from and no matter who you were.

If you'd like to see what I've been up to or anything, please check my website, Atomic Mass Punk.

You can even check out my personal blog (the link is on my site. Hint hint) and buy things from my Etsy shop.

Thanks for dropping by. Take care!

I haven't updated since December. Hah.

Well, I've been updating the journal on my Gaia. Check it out. It's worth it. This is more of my social blog, now, where I talk to people on communities here and whatnot.

It's 10:50pm, here, Christmas eve.

Merry Christmas, guys.

Romanji! So, I decided to be smart for a change and actually look around on their site. Amazingly, I'd forgotten that they post the lyrics to their songs...! Yes, I deleted my post asking if anyone has the romanji, since, well, I might as well do it myself... I know there are others out there wanting them...!

So, I tried my best.

( Taimumashin (Lj cut for length) )

Of course, it took some time to figure out the kanji, so I had major help with it. Ahahah... Mmm, it makes it easier for me to translate it, but if anyone's confident with their Japanese, go right ahead and translate it.

If there are any errors, please tell me! I have to fix them. I'm not entirely confident with even my hiragana, so... I definately made errors.

(Cross posted on my journal and Glass-work.)

You know, recently, I haven't been able to get on because of my grades.

Quite unfortunately, I'm failing my Algebra 2 class because I can't force myself to keep up with the workload, and thus have turned in a total of zero homework assignments. I'm also failing Portfolio and English III, but I am passing Spanish... Why am I only passing one class? She doesn't require that we do homework often, and if she does, it's short, simple, and even the most stupid person could do the assignment, even in the few minutes of class before the bell.

Now then, my mother won't let me on, so I sneak on. That's not too great, since I'm always looking over my shoulder. In fact, right now, she's cooking rice.

In any case, I did it... I asked the cards.

By the age of 25, I'll still be single. By the age of 30, I'll be with someone that I'll be with for the rest of my life. Still, to be single that long breaks my heart, knowing that I'm unable to share anything with anyone, and yet, for the next ten years, I realize that I can do whatever I want without it having much effect on my love life (since it'll be nil).

Ten years from now, I won't even remember this...

Oh, and November 13th was the day of hell that Nina, Oni, and I went through one year ago. I have a journal entry if you can't remember.

By the way, is the Kitty Media site working for you? It never stops loading for me, so I can't see the Crimson Spell release... Oh, I terribly love Amano Yamane's work... I love Viewfinder, too, and I can't buy it because it's online only, really (gift idea for anyone who's nice enough -cough-). Isn't it published by like... bebeautiful? One day....

Well, I'll have either a love life or yaoi manga, and currently, while offline, I have -none-!

Is wrong with you guys? Honestly, I know only three people are going to read this, and only the few that don't even know who I really am.

But you know... I'm tired. I can quite honestly say that I have tried everything in my power to find someone to love. I've lowered my expectations, I've spoken outside of my circle, I do the whole... "eye thing," but still... Nothing.

And it's not even that that bothers me. It's the fact that I try so hard and not a single person cares. If someone showed a little more care for me, don't you think I'd care more for you? If you told me how much you hated me, I'd move away from you and keep myself quiet again. That's all I do. It's all I ever do.

Over the weekend, apparently, there was a party, and most of my circle of friends was invited... except... you guessed it! Me! Now, I might not have gone, but isn't it common curtosy to invite anyway?

Really.

Why I never get any acceptance is besides me. I mean... I invite people out to sushi and offer to pay, and still, I get refused. I ask if anyone's going anywhere over the weekend, but everyone makes up some lame, bullshit excuse.

I asked if anyone's going out for halloween. Same excuses. Do you guys honestly think I'm that stupid? Why do you think I keep arriving at school later and later? I don't want to spend time with you because you don't want to spend time with me.

And yet, when I talk to people about my life, all I get is pity. I'm tired of the goddamned pity. If you want to help me, when do what you're taught!

I hate being single.

It strikes me as odd that, when I cry, no one notices, but when someone else cries, it becomes some huge fiasco. And then, whenever someone asks if there's anything wrong, you know... It's retorical. Either you say something that sounds good or you say the truth, and while you're saying the truth, the asker is sorry for even asking in the first place. No one wants to know. No, their problems are worse. Their problems are always worse.

And you know, in class, when I dais that I was molested, I nearly burst into tears. It's hard to say it outloud, to people I don't know well. It's hard to say it to more than one person that I don't trust with my life. But you know, when I said it, do you think anyone cared? Someone in the right corner of the class said, "You need a hug," other people mumbled among each other. Do you think anyone said anything after that? No. No one even remembers that other than me and the teacher. The teacher only remembers it probably because I seem homicidal to most people.

I hate it.

I honestly hate it.

I hate being the only person in my lifetime that will probably end up alone.

You know, my family has money, connections, talent, but for what? I can honestly ask god, "Why me?"

This would be my suicide note. It really would be, if I could kill myself. But I just can't seem to bring myself to it.

All I want is someone to ask me, honestly, "What's wrong?"

Seriously, some of the people I thought of as aquaintances are only just NOW asking me when my birthday is.

My birthday happened in August, you fucks. August.

I fucking said it two, three weeks before my birthday NONSTOP, and you know, only a few people like Mark, Nina, and Mel actually said happy birthday. Ryan finally figured out my birthday already passed, and I haven't really spoken to him since last year.

Really guys. August 29th wasn't that hard to remember, was it?

It doesn't bother me that you missed my birthday, but don't ask me over a month later.

Sup, bitches.

Almost flat stomach!



( More under the cut. )

But ah, copy/paste from DA:

Gah, I'm feeling very icky right now, so [reuploading actual scans will] have to wait until later. I think I have a minor case of the flu (thank my super-powerful immune system) which should last no longer than 1-2 more days.
Saying that I have a minor case of the flu, meaning I have minor headaches, but when I tilt my head up or down or I stand up too quickly, it's painful, I'm getting chills and sudden raises in my body temperature, my body hurts every now and then (hurt worse on Friday), and my throat is a little strained feeling. My nose isn't stuffy, though. Really, the only thing that's bothering me is my whole stiff-neck-and-tilt-head-up-or-down-equals-pain-thing, and the hot flashes. At least I can still focus. I did sweat off all my deodorant though (I'm probably smelly). But uggghhhh. I got the flu two days before flu season even started. Luck, huh? Luck is a son of a bitch.

Today was fantastic.
( The Salvador Dali Museum Day )

---

Finally, let's end this post with the second chapter of Withering/Vertigo.

( Chapter II )

Oh dear lord.

Last night, I distinctly remember pressing the tablet pen into its holder, folding up the cord, and waltzing to my room.

I was thinking about it as I fell asleep last night...

I can't get online until I finish my homework, so at about 8, I completed it all. I then reached in the keyboard section of my desk and pulled out the tablet... Without its pen. I was hysterical.

I actually got paniced enough to want to kill myself over losing the pen. Yes, I love my tablet that much. That's exactly how I felt when I broke my computer over a year ago, too.

I was actually about to wait a few hours, and if it didn't show up, I was going to slit my throat.

Luckily, it turns up, that when I put the tablet into the keyboard peice of my computer desk (it's a roll-out), I must have pushed the peice back under the desk too quickly, so the pen popped out of the pen holder, and onto the floor. Sometime durring the day, the dog must've taken it and stuffed it in one of his favorite spots. That's really the only explanation.

Something tells me this might happen again...

:/

Withering/Vertigo
By Vahn Malice

-I-

It was about three o'clock in the morning, still dark. The moon should have offered a pinch of light, but a set of clouds ominously sat in the early morning sky. Even the street lights that lit nine hours prior barely illuminated the damp streets. It was raining, quiet drops tapping the puddles softly.
( Chapter One continued... )

I keep having thoughts...

I mean, I'm fine, but I just feel... lonely.

Am I sending off some kind of, "I'm taken," or "I'm not looking," kind of signal? I just don't understand.

I'm so tired of feeling like I'll never end up with... anyone. Ever. I'm so tired of being depressed and crying at night. I really am.

It feels like the only time I can speak my mind is when I'm sitting in front of a blank screen... The only thoughts that keep popping into my mind, then, are ones telling myself to commit suicide, which I don't have the balls to do, or that I'll be alone for the remainder of my life.

All I want is a guy who's nice, but a little crazy. Someone who's willing to throw dumb jokes left-and-right, but serious and in all actuality; pure.

Seriously, someone, please, I'm begging. Someone tell me what the hell's wrong with me, and it will change.

Has entered phase 2!

Phase 1 was for creating characters, making their personalities, creating the basis of the story, testing the program's capabilities, and... well, everything that's the foundation of the game.

God, I'm so excited that my jugular veins feel like popping. Kind of creepy sounding, but yes, I'm excited about this.

Phase 2 is mostly about writing the script, getting a team together, and getting a few more voices...

Phase 3 is the backgrounds, sprites, animations, music, voices... Everything that will knit the game together nicely.

Phase 4 is all animation. Yes, animation. This is probably going to be the longest phase, but I can only do my best.

Phase 5 is programming everything. I mean everything, including sidequests and possible games I'm thinking about to increase replay value.

Phase 6 is testing.

Phase 7 is working out any errors--if there are none, this phase doesn't exsist.

Do you guys think this is a joke? I haven't gotten a single offer for background artists, and I need two who are willing. I haven't gotten a single modern music midi/mp3 composer. I haven't gotten a single person who's willing to use their voice. I'm doing the outter map myself.

Here's the thing, there is a total of FOUR voices, one of which is already going to be done by me, because no one wants to do the main character, especially if he's sickly. That means that there are three more roles to fill, and you know... I can't change my voice to sound femanine for longer than a minute. Two of them are females, one is male. One of the females sets the whole tone of the game.

The characters that need voices are Dawn Mani Lycoris, Rudy Asgard, and the Seeress. The seeress is the one that really sets the mood...

Keep in mind that you don't have to worry about lip flap or anything. I'll animate to the sound of your voice, all you have to do is send me clips of your voice that aren't scratchy (clean and professional sounding), preferably zipped or rar'd. That means your job is going to be unpaid, but a lot easier than professionals. Even if you think you have a ridiculous voice, I'm going to ask you to please send me a sample of you saying something.

Also, if you're accepted, either give me some kind of alias (uncommon alias) or your real first and last name.

Anyone on the team is also a tester, but be warned, the completed game is probably going to be... a lot of Mbs, I can tell you that. It's all the files, not pre-programmed, so it's going to be data heavy. (MP3s are huge, too.) When all is done, if someone on the team can't download large files, I'll try burning a CD and handing it to you... It's not for distribution, though, since it's testing to make sure everything's fine.

August 29, 1989

My birthday.

I feel lonely, so what?

It's not like I don't curse everyone I fall in love with. Seriously, either the love is returned, or either of us says the truth, and then the other person goes missing--either from suicide, death, parents, ect.

For the record:

Female love: 3
Male love: 4
Female love returned: 0
Male love returned: 4
Females "unfortunate": 0
Males "unfortunate": 4

See? The only people I can seem to fall in love with and have it returned is with men. Can you blame me for liking men better? I mean, seriously, women give me the cold shoulder. It's bothersome.

*Headscratch*

At this rate, I'll end up being a hermit that masterbates to all porn... Waitaminute--!

Yes, this is going to be an actual RPG...

Now, I'm using a game engine called RM2K3, and you may laugh, thinking about how many limitations it has, but...

I'm not using their graphics. I'm not using their music. I'm even going to set up the battle to be gauge fighting, and I'm attempting to see if I can have the characters run toward the enemies.

I've already gotten the hang of adding voices under circuimstances (character casts a spell, battle begins, character gets hit, character avoids the hit, character dies), now, there's a small bit to say.

I'm doing all of the sprites--walking, battle, and enemy sprites. I'm also drawing the faces of characters and adding in animations I'll do in Flash 5 (which can come out very good, since I'm pretty fluent in making movies in it now).

Here's the thing: I need people who can draw backgrounds. I don't want to do backgrounds like every RPG, with ... chipsets. Chipsets are little blocks, usually about, say, 25x25, and they repeat over and over again. It's useful, but I don't want that. No, I want the game to be filled with art!

So, in doing so, the backgrounds have to be 640x640, 256 color bitmap (bmp) or Portable Network Grapic (png).

I want them to be... lots of snowy ones. But the thing is, they should look detailed, but from an overhead view.

As for the battle backgrounds, this might serve as a sample--they're from the pack of backgrounds that comes with the common RTP files when you have the game engine.

Also, MUSIC! MUSIC! MUSIC! I need someone who can compose beautiful modern music. If you want to know, listen to part of the Breath Of Fire III soundtrack--it's jazzy and full of emotion. I don't want to use music that's copyrightten!

Now, I was VERY reluctant to want to do voices, but seeing as how there are THREE main characters, I'll be doing the main character. So, send me your voice clips. I need someone who has a polite, quiet, female voice, and a guy with a somewhat deep voice. Most of 'em will be for in-battle speaking and whatnot.

What's the game about? It's modern day, but follows the story of a young man named Merion, who has Sicle Cell Anemia. (It's misunderstood that Sicle Cell is a black-only disease--it's not. People of Greek or Italian decent may also have it.) The world is thrown into chaos, no one flies planes, steers boats, and it's constantly snowing... But Merion is on his way to find an item he was told about--Idunn's Apple.

So, there, it's based on Norse Mythology.

This is how far I've gotten:

I've sketched out some of the monsters. I've written some of the story, but still have a lot to go. I do know what the ending is going to be, though. Would you mind if most of the ending was cinematic? As for the items, there's a total of 34 usable, including the weapons. There are 5 healing items included in that 34, and the highest they can heal is 100hp. I've already designed the items and what their uses are. Merion and Dawn can use weapons while Rudy can fight with his fists. Spells are limited, and Dawn is the only person who can use support spells. However, watch yourself: If no one protests, I will have Merion's HP begin to drain in battle, similar to "poison" effects. There is no paralizing condition in the game, since there's going to be a stunned condition. Poison will be under another name, but it'll still drain HP. Other stuff like that, you know? By the way, I'm making it so if you toss the Penicilin Shots out of your inventory, you die. Saving will be whenever you access a computer in the game. In short, now it's going very well.

Final note: Expect the battles to be NON-random and a challange, since characters start out with about 50hp and, providing I allow you to be level 99, around 700-1000hp. The enemies aren't going to do 1-2 damage, either.

Things have cooled down a bit, minus the rescue mission I'm going on on Thursday, Friday, and a bit of Saturday.

I'm rescuing Ghaleon, my dachshund, from my older brother. It was meant as a gift, but... The dog isn't eating, and my brother isn't taking care of him, so we're off to travel 18 hours in a car to save him. Weird, huh?

Anyway, since it's 15 minutes 'til the fourth, this goes as a happy birthday to Gackt and a happy Independance Day for Americans. Don't light yourselves on fire while celebrating (I worry that Gackt might be more prone to that than most Americans...)!

But also...

I need a tablet.

BADLY.

I have an adiction to drawing, and I haven't had a scanner in quite a few months...

But it's easier and better to buy a Wacom 6x8 Graphire Pen Tablet, so... I'm trying to save $200 and $50 extra (for shipping or anything else that's not in the base price), however, without a job (no one seems to want to hire me, even though I'll do the worst work and have even put in countless aplications), it seems like I'll never get one. So, if you have a spare $.39 (or whatever a stamp costs now), even a dollar would help me out. Of course, there's no way for me to thank you, but if you send more than $10, I'll send you art, but be very specific of what you want (characters, medium, style, ect.).

Happy life, away!

Alrighty, I saw the Chinese release of Doom, a movie I'd been wanting to see for a while. Of course, it was on a video CD and had Chinese subtitles, but after a while, I forgot they were even there.

Anyway, if you're a fan of the game and haven't seen it yet, you HAVE to.

Why? Well, for starters, it's not too terribly close to the game, no floating eye enemies for instance, but it's pretty good.

I won't give away any details except one thing that literally had me jump out of my seat and cheer, and it was near the end of the movie.
Spoiler:
It goes into first person shooter-mode for a short bit! Not only that, but it looked a damn lot like the game, so that just freaking WON.


So yes, watch it.

And I say this as a fan of the original Doom.

Up an inch, down a foot. Yes, that's Vahn's life, not his height.

Yesterday, I was aware I was going to Metrocon! All was well, and my efforts at not stabbing myself to death had begun to pay off!

Weeks ago, I already decided to commit suicide after Metrocon, June 5th to be exact, but...

Yay, guess what? Everyone from Georgia fucking lets me down and cancels out. Mel doesn't even have his license yet, so hey, guess what? Mel, you might be able to go, but you can't fucking drive. I'm sorry, but it's true.

So, since I now have no chance of staying at a hotel OR getting a ride, I guess...

Vahn isn't going after all.

All of the shit I fight for--
All of the shit I put up with...
Does it really mean that little to you people?
Maybe that one cynical, machiavellist-ic side of me is right to kill myself.

But I don't suppose any of you emo fuckers would understand that I don't cut my wrists and I don't cry-and-whine-and-beg for attention on false accounts. Oh, no, I really will kill myself--and the worse things get, the closer I am to plunging the knife through my wrists, because at this point, these partially exposed, pulsing blue rivers embedded in my wrists are looking quite delicious...

...Why do I depend on people? Knowing that it's human nature to fail instead of succeed; it's human nature to give up on people, to lose faith, to hate, to wish, to dream, to desire? Knowing full well that I can't control how human I am, I look toward others and do what the little me always needed--to lean on someone's shoulders and let him or her carry me until I feel the strength to rise up again... But the ones I always seem to rest my head on always seem too weak to hoist me over their sholders--not in physical condition, but in mental, spiritual, unbreakable bliss.

When I was younger, oh, I was naive. I used to pray that god would make me stronger, that he or she would give me a mother, someone who held me, and stop the hatred that burns within the deepest depths of my mind. But that never was to happen, and so did I--I failed to believe that god exsisted in me. But in the same breath, I would see someone else, crying, pining like me, and that person would be delivered sanctity. Why didn't it ever come for me? Why doesn't it come for me? Maybe, if I showed weakness in my soul and cried for help in an open cathedral, maybe, just by any chance, a mere feather would float down from the ceiling and tell me, "Vahn, wake up. Wake up; none of this is real. It's time to awaken from your nightmare..."

NOOOOOOO~!

Most great RPG fans know what Working Designs is and was.

They imported and translated the Lunar series, minus Legend, Alundra, Growlanser, and many others.

In December '05, they announced Working Designs was disbanded, and...

I only found out today?!

WHAT ROCK HAVE I BEEN UNDER?!

...'Tis a sad day for Vahn.

Very sad.

I loved that company. I mean, I didn't really get into RPGs (I played a few before) until I played Lunar 2.

BY THE WAY~

Aparently, my mother wants me to go to China. At this point, it's Metrocon or China... I'll take Metrocon if I can make it.