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Atomic Mass Punk . com

Hi guys. I just wanted to say that I never use LJ except to contribute to and watch a few communities. I don't post here but once every few months now because... this journal is a toxic memory of mine. I do go back and read on occasion to remind myself of who I used to be and how well I understood complete dispair. That part of my life is long since over, and I refuse to go back to being that me.

Funnily enough, I wrote the tagline for my blog years ago, when I was fourteen or fifteen as a reflection of my use of Tarot. Little did I know that I'd be able to turn around my circumstances and grasp a future that's unattainable by anyone but me. So... A bright future is in store, and I urge you to grab my hand and walk with me toward it. What we do with our lives is half what's done to us and half what we can do... A bright future is in store for everyone, no matter where you came from and no matter who you were.

If you'd like to see what I've been up to or anything, please check my website, Atomic Mass Punk.

You can even check out my personal blog (the link is on my site. Hint hint) and buy things from my Etsy shop.

Thanks for dropping by. Take care!



If you didn't notice

I haven't updated since December. Hah.

Well, I've been updating the journal on my Gaia. Check it out. It's worth it. This is more of my social blog, now, where I talk to people on communities here and whatnot.

Christmas

It's 10:50pm, here, Christmas eve.

Merry Christmas, guys.

Taimumashin!

Romanji! So, I decided to be smart for a change and actually look around on their site. Amazingly, I'd forgotten that they post the lyrics to their songs...! Yes, I deleted my post asking if anyone has the romanji, since, well, I might as well do it myself... I know there are others out there wanting them...!

So, I tried my best.

Taimumashin (Lj cut for length)Collapse )

Of course, it took some time to figure out the kanji, so I had major help with it. Ahahah... Mmm, it makes it easier for me to translate it, but if anyone's confident with their Japanese, go right ahead and translate it.

If there are any errors, please tell me! I have to fix them. I'm not entirely confident with even my hiragana, so... I definately made errors.

(Cross posted on my journal and Glass-work.)

Miserable

You know, recently, I haven't been able to get on because of my grades.

Quite unfortunately, I'm failing my Algebra 2 class because I can't force myself to keep up with the workload, and thus have turned in a total of zero homework assignments. I'm also failing Portfolio and English III, but I am passing Spanish... Why am I only passing one class? She doesn't require that we do homework often, and if she does, it's short, simple, and even the most stupid person could do the assignment, even in the few minutes of class before the bell.

Now then, my mother won't let me on, so I sneak on. That's not too great, since I'm always looking over my shoulder. In fact, right now, she's cooking rice.

In any case, I did it... I asked the cards.

By the age of 25, I'll still be single. By the age of 30, I'll be with someone that I'll be with for the rest of my life. Still, to be single that long breaks my heart, knowing that I'm unable to share anything with anyone, and yet, for the next ten years, I realize that I can do whatever I want without it having much effect on my love life (since it'll be nil).

Ten years from now, I won't even remember this...

Oh, and November 13th was the day of hell that Nina, Oni, and I went through one year ago. I have a journal entry if you can't remember.

By the way, is the Kitty Media site working for you? It never stops loading for me, so I can't see the Crimson Spell release... Oh, I terribly love Amano Yamane's work... I love Viewfinder, too, and I can't buy it because it's online only, really (gift idea for anyone who's nice enough -cough-). Isn't it published by like... bebeautiful? One day....

Well, I'll have either a love life or yaoi manga, and currently, while offline, I have -none-!

What...

Is wrong with you guys? Honestly, I know only three people are going to read this, and only the few that don't even know who I really am.

But you know... I'm tired. I can quite honestly say that I have tried everything in my power to find someone to love. I've lowered my expectations, I've spoken outside of my circle, I do the whole... "eye thing," but still... Nothing.

And it's not even that that bothers me. It's the fact that I try so hard and not a single person cares. If someone showed a little more care for me, don't you think I'd care more for you? If you told me how much you hated me, I'd move away from you and keep myself quiet again. That's all I do. It's all I ever do.

Over the weekend, apparently, there was a party, and most of my circle of friends was invited... except... you guessed it! Me! Now, I might not have gone, but isn't it common curtosy to invite anyway?

Really.

Why I never get any acceptance is besides me. I mean... I invite people out to sushi and offer to pay, and still, I get refused. I ask if anyone's going anywhere over the weekend, but everyone makes up some lame, bullshit excuse.

I asked if anyone's going out for halloween. Same excuses. Do you guys honestly think I'm that stupid? Why do you think I keep arriving at school later and later? I don't want to spend time with you because you don't want to spend time with me.

And yet, when I talk to people about my life, all I get is pity. I'm tired of the goddamned pity. If you want to help me, when do what you're taught!

I hate being single.

It strikes me as odd that, when I cry, no one notices, but when someone else cries, it becomes some huge fiasco. And then, whenever someone asks if there's anything wrong, you know... It's retorical. Either you say something that sounds good or you say the truth, and while you're saying the truth, the asker is sorry for even asking in the first place. No one wants to know. No, their problems are worse. Their problems are always worse.

And you know, in class, when I dais that I was molested, I nearly burst into tears. It's hard to say it outloud, to people I don't know well. It's hard to say it to more than one person that I don't trust with my life. But you know, when I said it, do you think anyone cared? Someone in the right corner of the class said, "You need a hug," other people mumbled among each other. Do you think anyone said anything after that? No. No one even remembers that other than me and the teacher. The teacher only remembers it probably because I seem homicidal to most people.

I hate it.

I honestly hate it.

I hate being the only person in my lifetime that will probably end up alone.

You know, my family has money, connections, talent, but for what? I can honestly ask god, "Why me?"

This would be my suicide note. It really would be, if I could kill myself. But I just can't seem to bring myself to it.

All I want is someone to ask me, honestly, "What's wrong?"

Seriously, guys.

Seriously, some of the people I thought of as aquaintances are only just NOW asking me when my birthday is.

My birthday happened in August, you fucks. August.

I fucking said it two, three weeks before my birthday NONSTOP, and you know, only a few people like Mark, Nina, and Mel actually said happy birthday. Ryan finally figured out my birthday already passed, and I haven't really spoken to him since last year.

Really guys. August 29th wasn't that hard to remember, was it?

It doesn't bother me that you missed my birthday, but don't ask me over a month later.

Whatwhat

Sup, bitches.

Almost flat stomach!



More under the cut.Collapse )

But ah, copy/paste from DA:

Gah, I'm feeling very icky right now, so [reuploading actual scans will] have to wait until later. I think I have a minor case of the flu (thank my super-powerful immune system) which should last no longer than 1-2 more days.
Saying that I have a minor case of the flu, meaning I have minor headaches, but when I tilt my head up or down or I stand up too quickly, it's painful, I'm getting chills and sudden raises in my body temperature, my body hurts every now and then (hurt worse on Friday), and my throat is a little strained feeling. My nose isn't stuffy, though. Really, the only thing that's bothering me is my whole stiff-neck-and-tilt-head-up-or-down-equals-pain-thing, and the hot flashes. At least I can still focus. I did sweat off all my deodorant though (I'm probably smelly). But uggghhhh. I got the flu two days before flu season even started. Luck, huh? Luck is a son of a bitch.
Today was fantastic.
The Salvador Dali Museum DayCollapse )


Finally, let's end this post with the second chapter of Withering/Vertigo.

Chapter IICollapse )

Tablet Trouble #1

Oh dear lord.

Last night, I distinctly remember pressing the tablet pen into its holder, folding up the cord, and waltzing to my room.

I was thinking about it as I fell asleep last night...

I can't get online until I finish my homework, so at about 8, I completed it all. I then reached in the keyboard section of my desk and pulled out the tablet... Without its pen. I was hysterical.

I actually got paniced enough to want to kill myself over losing the pen. Yes, I love my tablet that much. That's exactly how I felt when I broke my computer over a year ago, too.

I was actually about to wait a few hours, and if it didn't show up, I was going to slit my throat.

Luckily, it turns up, that when I put the tablet into the keyboard peice of my computer desk (it's a roll-out), I must have pushed the peice back under the desk too quickly, so the pen popped out of the pen holder, and onto the floor. Sometime durring the day, the dog must've taken it and stuffed it in one of his favorite spots. That's really the only explanation.

Something tells me this might happen again...

:/